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Underside Story
Frilly shirts vs. furry skin
By Chris Eng
September 2003
With the release of Underworld this week, the cinematic community is finally able to address a question that’s been circulating since at least the 1930s and possibly before: which are more bad-ass—vampires or werewolves?
Using completely unscientific methods, a core sampling of vampire and werewolf movies from across the spectrum were assembled and distilled into two lists of 10 movies each. They were then scored in an arbitrary fashion according to their bad-assedness, and to make sure there was no cultural preference, we included a bonus slot to take their respective TV contemporaries into account. Ready for the showdown? Here are the results:
VAMPIRES:
Near Dark: Half the cast of Aliens as nomadic vampires travelling around in a Winnebago. The only way it can get more bad-ass is if you manage to shoehorn the cast of The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly in there, too. SCORE: +8
The Hunger: Imagine David Bowie, Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon all colliding in a languid orgy of vampiric sexiness. Sexy vampires. Too sexy to go out of their way to freak you out. SCORE: +5
Nearly the entire output of Hammer Films: Christopher Lee’s Dracula must have shown up in 187,000 movies between the ‘50s and the ‘70s. He was ubiquitous—a one-man cottage-industry of ancient evil. No to mention that The Satanic Rites of Dracula is still about the most awesome movie title ever. SCORE: +9
John Carpenter’s Vampires: The vampires are tough and the leader of the stake-wielding opposition is James Woods. Fuck plot or story—this is a bad-ass no-holds-barred grudge-match. And that crossbow / winch combo is brilliant. SCORE: +6
Nosferatu: If you’ve ever watched a show on vampire movies, or even horror movies in general, chances are it contained the scene with Orloc rising vertically out of his coffin to a standing position. Know why? Because it was creepy as fuck in 1921 and it’s still creepy today. SCORE: +9
Lost Boys: What would you do to hang with the cool kids? Would you try to join a gang of vampires led by Kiefer Sutherland? Would you let him play tricks on you, like making you think your rice was a bunch of maggots? Would you hang out with both Coreys? SCORE: +7
Fright Night: Prince Humperdink from The Princess Bride lives next door to you and wants to turn your girlfriend Marcy from Married: With Children into a vampire. Who can save you? Cornelius from Planet of the Apes. SCORE: +5
Interview With a Vampire: Thank you, Anne Rice, for even ruining the possibility that vampires might ever be intimidating again. Now vampires are all beautiful, misunderstood creatures who brood and lisp. Thanks to this movie, we have moody goth-girls in their mid-20s running around. SCORE: -9
Dracula (Spanish version): While Hollywood was filming the Bela Lugosi version and getting their heads up their asses about how terrifying it was going to be, a Spanish-language version was being filmed on the same set (using a translated script) at night. A full half-hour longer, the Spanish version is a whole lot creepier. “Yo no bebo... vino.” SCORE: +8
Vampyros Lesbos: Bad-ass? No. Good asses. Yes. SCORE: +2
Dark Shadows/Buffy/Forever Knight/Kindred: The Embrace: If Buffy is the Queen of Vampire TV (even though, yes yes, she’s not a vampire), then Barnabus Collins from Dark Shadows is sure as shit the king. Together they ruled the night across forty years of television. Still, on the dark (or crappy) side, there is the seedy underbelly of vampire cops in Forever Knight, and the world of live-action supernerds in Kindred (it was based on the roleplaying game Vampire). The respective heights and depths are so vast that, like matter and anti-matter, all they really succeed in doing is canceling each other out. SCORE: +0
WEREWOLVES:
American Werewolf in London: At turns funny, horrifying and sad, this is quite possibly the greatest werewolf movie of all time. Rick Baker’s transformation effects won him an Oscar in 1981, and the cast is impeccable. The one-two punch of a black as pitch script and the inclusion of the sexy and elegant Jenny Agutter didn’t hurt matters either. A masterpiece, not to be confused with its sad, sad sequel. SCORE: +10
The Howling: A werewolf coven run by Patrick Macnee (John Steed on The Avengers)? Awesome. Co-scripted by John Sayles and directed by Joe Dante? Wicked. It’s got Slim Pickens in it? It just made classic. SCORE: +8
Wolfen: A native Indian turns into a wolf. Terror ensues! TERROR! SCORE: +6
Silver Bullet: Just think about the cast, here: one of the Coreys in a wheelchair, Gary Busey as (get this) a drunk, narrated by Anne of Green Gables. It was even written by Stephen King (based on his own novella). No, this movie may not be good, but it sure is great. SCORE: +5
Ginger Snaps: The monthly physiological change that accompanies lycanthropy is such a transparent metaphor for menstruation that it’s nice to see it done, not only in a non-exploitative, but also original, charming and cool way. SCORE: +8
Teen Wolf/Teen Wolf 2: Messrs. Fox and Bateman, here are your complimentary points for participating. One per movie. Now if you’d like to make your way to the lobby, you’ll each find a gift basket waiting for you. Thanks for playing. SCORE: +2
Wolf: Watching Jack Nicholson play a werewolf is like watching Al Pacino play the Mummy: “I’m dead. Hoo-HA!” *Shudder* Plus, there’s no transformation scenes... not that I want to see Jack Nicholson get hairier. *Shudder* SCORE: +4
Dog Soldiers: It’s Aliens in a cabin with regular soldiers vs. giant rural werewolves. The twists aren’t surprising, but the action’s pretty good and it’s a welcome novelty to see werewolves take fire from automatic weapons. Not that they die or anything. SCORE: +7
I Was a Teenage Werewolf: Before Little House... before Highway to Heaven... Michael Landon was... A TRASHY TEEN ACTOR. Not bad-ass in the least, but funny. So very, very funny. SCORE: +3
Wolf Lake/Werewolf/She-Wolf of London/Big Wolf on Campus: “There have been four werewolf TV shows?! What are they called? When were they on? No, seriously--really?!” SCORE: +0
FINAL SCORES:
VAMPIRES: 50
WEREWOLVES: 53
CONCLUSION: The feral rapacity of werewolves kicks the shit out of the simpering vampires that have risen in the wake of the ‘90s Ricean goth bonanza. When vampires start tearing more throats out for fun and chuck away their crystal decanters, maybe they’ll deserve a rematch against the men that walk like animals. Until then, they should continue to cower in their high-backed leather chairs, writing poetry about the pain of immortality, fear of the dawn, and love of pretension.
(This article originally appeared in Terminal City.)
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